HoroscopoDiario
Today’s newsletter was titled, Wake Up Your Creative Life Force. It reminded me of something I used to do for the full moon in Leo, a million years ago, when I first started blogging. I’d go into hyper-creative fun mode – telling stories.
I have this old work, archived. This piece is called, “A Night On The Town”. It’s true, of course.
“Jewish Girl” is cousin to my on/off boyfriend, Scott. Scott and I went ’round and ’round for seventeen years.
This was written before censorship became a thing. I’m going to leave it as is, because real life is the funniest things.
~~~
I was about twenty one years old and sick as hell. I was supremely ill, with a head full of snot that was constantly leaking. My speech slurred and deformed, mostly because I was wary the high likelihood of snot running from my nose into my mouth. It was that bad. If there is such a thing as a ten-year cold, this was one of those. It was about 9 PM and I was obviously home for the night. I was hurtin’
Brinnnnnnnnnnng! Briinnnnnnng!
It was my best pal Jewish Girl, dialing me up with major angst about “That Bastard.” You know which one. The one that lies and cheats and breaks her windshield once a month. I don’t want to hear it, but she is hysterical. She wants to go out. She wants to get out of her apartment and she has a reason. She knows, That Bastard will drive by and she wants him to see her, not home.
“I am sorry Jewish Girl but I am very sick. There is no way I can go out tonight.”
She’s desperate. “Puuuulllllllllease, Elsa!”
“No, but you can come over and hang out, if you want.”
That’s not what she wants. It will not work for her purposes, because when That Bastard drives by her house and finds her gone, he will drive by my house next, won’t he? She needs to be OUT.
Now I always went out by myself. I think that women who won’t are missing the boat, but Jewish Girl would not go out alone in a million years. Opposites, and all that. She continues to beg and I continue to beg off, wiping snot off my face the whole time, but eventually I start to waver and after that, I give in. I give in, because she really seems ready to come unhinged and I just can’t leave her hang. However, there are conditions.
There is no way that Venus is Leo is going to be seen all snotty. I think about scarves on the head to hide my identity, but that does not conceal a glob of mucus running down your face, does it? I can only think of one thing. I tell her I will only go out with her if we go to a gay bar. This way my worst nightmare could not occur. My worst nightmare at the time would be spotting some ultra desirable guy and having snot dripping down my face. This is my exact luck, too. I know it, so I will take no chances.
I am surprised when she agrees immediately. She really is desperate. I still feel like crap though, and I tell her that I am going as is. I am not changing out of the large shirt I planned to sleep in and I am not even going to comb my hair. I half expect her to let me off the hook, for the sake of her own upscale Jewish Girl reputation, but no. She is willing to go with me completely unkempt, so this is when I know that I was right in agreeing to do this. My perception that she was authentically desperate was validated, I mean, so good enough. It’s good to be a good friend. I know that.
She is going to drive. Because I am sick, but also because we have to hide her car from That Bastard, right? Waiting for her to pick me up, I admit that I begin to become amused in between snot wipes. I do like adventure and this will be one. I will probably get a story and everyone knows how much I like them.
It’s just as well, that I get something out of this deal. I had never been to a gay bar and Jewish Girl had never heard of a gay bar. That is what she said in fact.
“Is there a gay bar somewhere?”
We get to the bar and it is about what I expected. A bunch of same sex people paired off, talking or dancing. It’s very blacklight-y and I feel mildly voyeuristic and a little uncomfortable. I probably would have felt this more intensely, but I was so sick, I was pretty muted in general. I did feel out of place though, but since we are two women I figure we are incognito, right?
It was a big place. Three floors. One up, another down. We decide to go downstairs. We were thinking that there would probably be pool tables down there. We decided that if there were, we’d shoot a game, but we did not get the chance. Instead, we are stopped at the stairs by a bouncer who says that we can’t go any further.
He does not elaborate and this is a little mysterious, but I am too full of snot to be more than mildly intrigued. I am not offended. I consider myself to be a guest in this bar and I am regretful that I even ran into a boundary I did not perceive. I am inclined to respect local custom, and I am in this bar in a respectful way. We both are.
Looking around, I had quickly seen enough. I could only hope that Jewish Girl arrives at the same conclusion, and quickly sees how silly this is because I want to go home. I need to go home for more Kleenex, but this is not what happens. Going home is out of the question because that bastard has not had time to work himself into a frenzy. She has done the math and has determined that she has not been gone long enough for that bastard to have done a drive by, or more like two or three of them, and become distressed. Gotcha. We have to kill more time. She wants to go upstairs.
Upstairs?
Okay, then. We won’t be back, so we may as well see it all, while we’re here. I do feel like I am in a museum in a way. Probably because there are velvet ropes on the stairways. Red or purple, I don’t know. It’s black-lit, remember?
We head up the stairs and I am braced for the same rejection we met going down. Can’t she see how ridiculous this is? Instead there is a different impediment. Cover charge. Seems there is going to be show. There is going to be a drag show, so turns out that it is my lucky day. No, really. I had always wanted to see a drag show and snot or no snot, clearly this was my opportunity.
“Hooray! Wanna go?”
“I don’t care. If you want to, Elsa. It’ll kill some time, anyway.
“Great! Allllright then! I want to go. Let’s go!”
Jewish Girl pays the charge. If you get me out of bed the way she did, then you’re buying and I kind of laugh because it’s like we’re on a date, isn’t it? You know. We are blending in all cool. Me, her and my snot I mean. I tell her that the people in the bar must wonder what she sees in me, through all this snot. “You must really love me,” I say, but she doesn’t think that’s very funny. She doesn’t think anything is very funny since she met That Bastard.
We sit at a little round table. It is very city nightclub looking in the room and it was kind of thrilling for me to be there, even in my condition. It was as if we had traveled somewhere exotic. The show starts in ten minutes, so perfect timing!
We order drinks and I immediately snag the napkin for snot control. Jewish Girl hands me hers, because she knows I am gonna need it. The server came and went so fast, I did not have a chance to ask for extra napkins. I make a note to myself to get one off her on when she brings our drinks. Otherwise I’m going to be in trouble. Snot dropping in my lap and stuff. It’s that bad. It is easily that bad.
Drumroll…….
The lights go down, and spotlights start spinning in this room. It is really glamorous, and my Venus in Leo wishes she were a drag queen for a minute there. She is sure she could do it and be a STAR. At the moment, she has snot running down her face, but this is only something temporary and unfortunate, and now that they have turned down the lights she almost relaxes.
DRRRRRRumROLLLLLLLL!
The stage lights up and out comes Diana Ross. A drag Queen version I mean. I am THRILLED. I love this. It was like winning a big jackpot in Vegas for me. Same feeling.
Then Diana, her voice amplified LOUD (this is drama baby)
“Ladies and Ladies and Gentlemen and Gentlemen thank you for coming to tonight’s show! I would like to direct your attention…
BAM, all of the sudden I can’t see. Blinding light. The spotlight is on Jewish Girl and I!
…to this table right here. It seems we have two “breeders” here tonight. Wonder how they stumbled in? Did you girls lose your way?”
The whole place started laughing. Laughing at us you know. Hooting. Talk about deer in headlights, one with snot on her face. I couldn’t take it. I am ashamed to admit it, but we slinked out of there.
I went home pouting. Jewish Girl went home and she probably called that bastard. You know she did.
